DEAD MAN WALKING

i feel expired beyond my time
when is the time i die?
sometimes i long for the end
but in the morn i rise from bed
i wish i had a secret power that you would not know
to where i could have selective hearing
but not the selective hearing you know of
but the kind to where i can select the inner thoughts
to hear what you are thinking of me as i walk by
what you say to yourself inside when you see me
to know if you find me attractive and interesting
or to know if you would want to put a bullet in my temple
these are the thoughts in me that you do not see
these are the thoughts that make me a dead man walking
for inside i am in a struggle to keep on living
there is this hope growing inside of me
so do not worry, this is not a cry for help
it is just me being honest and transparent
there are angels i see daily where i wish i could hear them
to see if i have any way to save me any chance of rejection
to do them a good service of not bothering them
to save them the time of being annoyed by presence
but who knows, maybe they might like me
i just do not know at all and am so clueless inside
i am so dense inside and i would not catch your hints
it is because of this third phase of my life i feel dead
it is about to be a dawn of a new decade
there are no specialities planned yet
which makes me feel more less of a person i already am
i wish i was felt needed and appreciated for once
i know it is easy to say i love you
but sometimes those are just words
words i know have been used with the deepest intentions
but then i have heard those same words spoken carelessly
killing a piece of me slowly everytime
to those i do love they are with others now
and others are just too far away to do anything about it
yet i should grab onto that flicker of hope
see if it will grow in the palm of my hand
hold it carefully to sustain life and see it mature
will that hope change me eventually in the inside?
will i be able to grow as a person and learn to love again?
someday my train will arrive in the station
and on it will be the one i will spend the rest of my days
however when it comes i will not know
and when it does come, life will be breathed inside of me
and i will finally be able to truly smile again
and this pain inside will cease and desist

© 2006 thomas bates