#21

i feel like i am losing my humanity or my identity
i do not know who i was or who i have become
i feel like i am losing touch with the world
when i am home after a day of interaction i feel alone
i feel empty inside and somewhat regretful
feeling like i could have done better that day
all my conversations have become arrogant
and i talk about those i care for behind their backs
it is really starting to get noticeable
not probably by those around me but by me
i am my own worst critic and sometimes i think it is a good thing
maybe then i can figure out when to shut up and to put up
maybe then i can figure out how to talk to that certain someone
maybe then i can stop worrying about myself in the view of others
maybe then i do not have to feel alone or empty inside anymore
and finally feel good for a change and know it will all be alright
and finally then i can know how to truelly love again; however...
i have to take that first step to try to change myself for the better
before i get too close to the edge and fall over completely
to be buried by my failures, words, regrets and pain

© 2006 thomas bates

DEAD MAN WALKING

i feel expired beyond my time
when is the time i die?
sometimes i long for the end
but in the morn i rise from bed
i wish i had a secret power that you would not know
to where i could have selective hearing
but not the selective hearing you know of
but the kind to where i can select the inner thoughts
to hear what you are thinking of me as i walk by
what you say to yourself inside when you see me
to know if you find me attractive and interesting
or to know if you would want to put a bullet in my temple
these are the thoughts in me that you do not see
these are the thoughts that make me a dead man walking
for inside i am in a struggle to keep on living
there is this hope growing inside of me
so do not worry, this is not a cry for help
it is just me being honest and transparent
there are angels i see daily where i wish i could hear them
to see if i have any way to save me any chance of rejection
to do them a good service of not bothering them
to save them the time of being annoyed by presence
but who knows, maybe they might like me
i just do not know at all and am so clueless inside
i am so dense inside and i would not catch your hints
it is because of this third phase of my life i feel dead
it is about to be a dawn of a new decade
there are no specialities planned yet
which makes me feel more less of a person i already am
i wish i was felt needed and appreciated for once
i know it is easy to say i love you
but sometimes those are just words
words i know have been used with the deepest intentions
but then i have heard those same words spoken carelessly
killing a piece of me slowly everytime
to those i do love they are with others now
and others are just too far away to do anything about it
yet i should grab onto that flicker of hope
see if it will grow in the palm of my hand
hold it carefully to sustain life and see it mature
will that hope change me eventually in the inside?
will i be able to grow as a person and learn to love again?
someday my train will arrive in the station
and on it will be the one i will spend the rest of my days
however when it comes i will not know
and when it does come, life will be breathed inside of me
and i will finally be able to truly smile again
and this pain inside will cease and desist

© 2006 thomas bates

IN MEMORIUM of PO

death is mysterious
it comes in like a fog
never knowing who will be next
swallowing those close to us in its path
it was a shock to hear of your death
you were a joyous person and great friend
the little pleasures entertained you well
and then you left this world so sudden
you arrived and left on the same day
it is almost like a dream
my mind is numb and do not know what to think
we had fun together back in the day
and now you are gone and those days lost forever
my mind's eye is now blind and i can't see you anymore
i know you will be great in the afterlife
taking your joy and innocence along with you
someday we shall see each other again
but till then we have different paths

© 2006 thomas bates

#20

life can be frustrating
never knowing where you fit in
your mind is full of voices
never able to find the one that is you
never able to find real peace and purpose
people come and go in your life
some just want to use you for their own gain
some are geniune and true and they are dear
however it is hard to find them through the crap
you have to go through alot of pain and tears
before you can find true happiness
and then you wonder if it is really true
what is truth in this world we live in now?
there are so many lies we are force fed
vanity is the whore of this world
and pride and prejudice still roam the streets
looking for those weak hearted to possess
what happened to love and honor?
we are all just trying to survive in our own way
and if we hurt others along the way that is their fault
for they stepped into it and deserved it
but that is the philosophy of the world now days
and it is evolving into a more complex entity
to show compassion now days is a weakness
and that is something that is not respected
this is sad for those who want to find love
because everyone is guarded and close-minded
never really revealing the real person inside
and those who are loyal and honorable become extinct
leaving behind a cold and vicious world to raise the young
i would rather have someone in my life who has weakness
than someone who would turn on you in order to get by
to stab you in the back as they conspire with others
to leave you in the dark as they reveal the intimate moments
only shared between those who hold trust and honesty in reverence
but this world is different and weakness is shunned upon
look out for yourself and do not help anyone
because if you do then you will not find this so called happiness
but are you really happy,
or are you scared?

© 2006 thomas bates

EMBERS OF AUGUST

i can feel a presence
surrounding me
whispering a gentle breeze
the trees sway side to side
my head is bowed
eyes closed and i listen
a weight falls upon my shoulders
pressing me down to my knees
a stirring inside of me
i see a pillar of fire in the distance
closer and closer it weaves
cleansing the earth
the heat warms my face
before me the pillar stops
round and round it spins
i sit now in a deep trance
finally it moves through me
from red to blue
as it passed it took all my impurities
and left me smoldering, lying prostrate
smoke rising from me, yet untouched
the presence is still here beside me
still whispering a gentle breeze
cooling and healing it is to me
and i awake and all is finally still

© 2006 thomas bates

#19

engimatic beauty of my dreams
will i see you in the wakening?
the manifestation of all my desires
never to be seen by my own two eyes
will i only see you by my third eye?
somehow i feel that you are real
that you exist beyond the 4th plane
and maybe you are a combination of all good
yet i want to hold onto you
to bring you with me into the wakening
to see if we could coexist
in love and unity

© 2005, 2006 thomas bates

TEAR BEAR

she holds the only piece of security she has
her world was taken away from her at birth
in her mind, life is a cruel place
only known a life of a vagabond
moved around from family to family
love is as small as a speck of dust
hate is as big as a skyscraper
her world was taken away from her at birth
never had anthing secure to hold onto
never had a real mother or father
and she doesn't want to know those who gave her up
she now holds the only piece of security she has
tear bear


© 1991, 2005 thomas bates

#18

the week has been great but long
weather fine but excruciating at times
friends meet and new one are made
gathering grounds of kaliedoscope souls
voices carry and mingle with those dear
a communion for everyone to partake
we join in the music and the dance
and it puts us all into a trance
as we spin and spin and fall down

© 2003 thomas bates

#17

i constantly prune the branches of my tree of life
many years have gone by and it is still not ripe
many relationships and friendships have slipped into oblivion
pruning out the bad infections has become my obssession
in the beginning the fruit was delicious
every relationship and friendship was precious
through time, hurt and pain had set in and smothered maturity
and so came the time to prune out the impurities
cutting them away sometimes by stem or by the entire branch
so their negativity or resentment shall not spread
to not scar the rings of the years to come
to keep the heart guarded and forever young

© 2005 thomas bates

PRISON OF THE SKULL

the voices in his head
grew silent in the end
his eyes rolled back in their sockets
and his hands fell out of their pockets
in his right hand was hidden a knife
this was his last act of violence tonight
from behind the head to the front temple
a bullet hole left the body crippled
with relief the coroner pronounced him dead
his reign of terror had come to an end
scientist have asked to study his brain
to take note of dementia under strain
to their shock as they cut open his skull
they found little claw marks all over the hull
the voices in his head had taken shape of demons
and the host had become their temporal prison
only through death did he find relief
for only then were the fallen released

© 2005 thomas bates

KINGDOM OF THE ZAO

darkness envelopes
as the lights come into play
he stands there covered
blood and sweat
he dominated the night
his serfs run amuk and defy authority
the night belongs to them all
the kingdom of the dark shroud
split into two by the screams of the night

© 2003 thomas bates

ORGANIZED RELIGION/RETRIBUTION

we are your controllers
we have you by the strings
please try to leave... we dare you to
will you be able to find the door,
before the thought police find you?
stand up and sing our chosen anthem
give up your free will and become one
no one has yet questioned us before
so we will keep on conditioning you
over and over and over till you break
only a few of you are strong and resistant
but in fear, you stay silent not to be found
our truth seekers are searching for you
no matter how locked up you stay
we will break you down just like the rest
and install the fear and guilt inside you
and never again shall you threaten us again

© 2005 thomas bates

TO SMILE AT THE FUTURE

there is this hole inside of me that no one can see
i can feel it's edge at my throat and falling down into my chest
not even those who are close to me can get beyond the surface
it gets hard to breathe sometimes because of this void
which is there because of that missing person in my life
you cannot even fathom how it feels unless you go through hell
because it will be the claws of the devil himself taking them away
ripping every piece and essence out of your weakening grasp
someday i will find that special someone to fill that hole inside of me
to discover the most important key to the mystery of the life itself
to open up a new chapter in my life and to be there for the rebirth
as i step up from the grave inside of me and breathe in new life
and grasp every moment i get and enjoy it to its fullest
then fill up this hole inside of me with love and memories
and pat it all down with the security of honesty and trust
finally smile for the new dawn has found me and life has just begun

© 2005 thomas bates

GOODBYE

what happened to me and you?
for it was you i looked up to
but you are not the same anymore
your footsteps are fading on the floor
whoever impressed me to be
has now died infront of me
i do not know where you have gone or what to do
except to now part ways and say goodbye to you

© 2005 thomas bates

#16

my heart is timid
my heart is fragile
when i see you i see my failures
when i see you i see my lost chance
i had a chance to talk to you, but i ran away
you do not have to like me, i understand
you can ignore me and just walk on by
keeping your eyes set ahead of you
and letting me blur into the background
for i do not deserve your recognition
i rather crawl into the cracks in the ground
out of sight and out of mind
yet everytime i see you, my heart skips a beat
the "what ifs" run through my head after you're gone
and then i am faced with my current situation
of not having you by my side, enjoying your company
was it that i did not see a ring on your finger this time?
or is that my eyes are starting to fail on me
and eventually it will not be you i will see at all
and you will forever disappear out of my life
and i will be alone again wishing i could have spoken to you
to get past that cordial greeting and get to know you
to become friends and finally get past the awkward moments

© 2005 thomas bates

ALONE IS TO NOT MOVE ON

to be in between is me
drifting out in the vast openess
your breath is lingering behind
i close my eyes and remember how it was
i am afraid how it will be now without you
to move on through the unknown alone
many are to come : temporal replacements
try on various gloves till i feel finally back at home
but in my silence i am surrounded by your memories
and the brokeness of your longing desires are smothering me
i try to lose myself in random playlists
trying to find something different and new
to escape the pain you carved into my heart
however you end up back around once in awhile
because there are times when i still reach out to you
but it is time to let go... since you left a long time ago

© 2005 thomas bates

SWEPT 6FT UNDER THE RUG

collect all my thoughts
spring cleaning has begun
throw out the old ghosts
scrutiny the new hosts
traitors aren't welcomed here
these eyes have banned tears
the messages have been erased
no longer do i sit old names
no longer do i labor their load
i bury them forever 6ft below

© 1997 thomas bates

WE ARE FRAGILE

what can we be proud of?
how can we live on?
tears of frustration and regret
how can we ever forget?
years of pain
what did we gain?
nothing except lessons of how to avoid certain issues
yet barricades do eventually fall and you're faced with "you"
you run and don't stand
many voices behind your back
ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble... on
keep putting the blame on someone
tear down someone to justify the means
yet you're the instigator to this attack on self-esteem
fear is a mind killer
become a fallen broken pillar
to accomplish something, you might never know
till someone hits you upside the face and shows
a diary of painful experiences
is a glimpse of life's lessons
to teach discipline and self-will
then fear can be killed

© 1997 thomas bates

THE DANCE

the mass floods the area
arms are flailing through this two step
bandana faces bring protection and obscurity
each their own island and ocean
each their own style and language
chaos and passion is found in this strange union
an artform of its own is in flux with evolution
spinning and weaving a wonderful tapestry in the grass
dust rises and falls with each birth pain
the celebration of expression and individualism

© 2003, 2005 thomas bates

#15

you have wakened the god of blood
his wrath will soon run the neighborhood
to eradicate impurity with his horde
every head not bowing will feel his sword
somewhere along the way though our naive ways
we have awakened this blood god and now have to pay
but his time is short as like many gods before him
he shall fall into the earth's firey core within
so he will try to take as many souls with him as he can
to burn for eternity with him in his city of the damned

© 2005 thomas bates