love is not for me
but i want it so much
when will i stop hurting
when will i stop searching
when will i stop searching those eyes
those eyes of avoidance
when will there be a connection
an exchange of greetings and a smile
instead i see nothing
i get nothing in return
and i keep walking
alone
if they only knew
© 2004 thomas bates
my heart is a room with doors all around
there's no key to that special one i have found
where there was love is now nothing but thin air
i stopped my hands from moving and looked everywhere
i thought i found a love to take me out of this place
someone that i enjoy, but she hides away her face
she's a beautiful face, but it all falls down
and i am left with spinning horizons all around
she's a beautiful face
don't let her get away
i'm all alone, because of one little conversation
i look up, but where's my gaze's destination
my love is gone and the sky has a sorrowful hue
but i see someone, and i finally can get over you
she's a beautiful face
don't let her get away
does she know how much she means to you
then why does she avoid the ever present issue?
does she see you walking around?
what's in her heart, will it slip out?
does she see you late at night,
when she lays her head and shuts her eyes?
what will happen when she opens her mouth?
what will the words be when they come pouring out?
what she doesn't know, would she know now?
what she doesn't feel, would she feel it somehow?
© 2001, 2007 thomas bates
a winding road near the edge of the cliff
leads to the house of a man named jim
sitting all the way on top above the ocean
jim enjoys living up there with his woman
at night, she looks out for him
he is a sailor and loves to fish
he will be gone for awhile with full sails
she knows he'll be back with the whales
© 1995, 2007 thomas bates
sitting there
coffee aroma fills the air
my eyes look around
shifting to the air then to the ground
as i look around, something caught my eye
she was very beautiful with a smile that spoke nice
i was astonished, she just kept looking at me
i wonder what she thinks about over what she's seen
her hands held to her chin, she just stares
curiosity is there
© 1995 thomas bates
life was easy yesterday
i never saw the change
where were you when i was trying to get by?
i miss the way you smiled
now you're a far million mile
where were you when i was trying to get by?
sick and tired of all the silence
the chair beside me is silent
where were you when i was trying to get by?
it wasn't justice for what you done
the change i guess has just begun
where were you when i was trying to get by?
lose in a web of confusion
slowly melt away into isolation
where were you?
i was always there for you
now i'm the lonely fool
where were you when i was trying to get by?
© 1997 thomas bates
it is so hard to not to disappoint
everyone puts you up so high
sometimes so high that i shall fall
and when i shall fall... please remember
that i have tried to stay on top of it all
but the muscles in me are tense and tried
and my heart is broken from your contempt
and ulcers rack my stomach
please forgive and forget
in this lifetime, we shall be broken
everyone of us at one time sooner or later
but please remember we were friends before
and through it all friends should still remain in the end
it is so hard to not to disappoint
© 2004 thomas bates
i do not like confrontation
brings around augmentation
making bigger any irritations
opening up any chance of separations
mixed emotions
broken devotion
silent stares, quiet thoughts
any thoughts of respect lost
fear comes in, trust is stopped
any chances of anything flopped
every word remembered for future references
redrawing of lines and mending of broken fences
old doubts brought back into play
new thoughts come in to slay
friendship out, avoidance steps in
what was love is now hurt within
if only we can turn back the time
if only we knew our future's crime
but we're stuck here to dine
sipping on hot spoiled wine
bitterness brought to the end of a sunrise
to begin a new day to roll the chance dice
© 2001 thomas bates
i am a rat trapped in a hole
the pain has swallowed me whole
darkness envelopes me and blots out the light
falling deeper into the pit, it is useless to fight
my insides hurt and i am in agony
but on the outside a smile you see
i walk the miles to wear off this skin
never shall i lose, but yet when shall i win
it is a never ending battle and i am in this alone
those around me are oblivious unless i let them know
its constant residence inside me is no longer welcome
i am tired and want release, i want my freedom
© 2003 thomas bates
someone is there in my mind
how can i erase my thoughts tonight
get rid of the madness and chaos
but somehow i have grown callous
she is intriguing, but frustrating
i long for peace and separation coming
those eyes, those haunting eyes
they look through me and i cannot hide
i am confronted and i do not like it
she is burying me into a endless pit
my only hope is to remember who i love
and then i shall rise out this pit and above
© 2001 thomas bates
keep me silent and still
to talk to the person is no use
they are immature and arrogant
to have a decent conversation
exhaustive
every sentence begins and ends with them
even if they are not right, they will always
be there
you bore me
you frustrate me
keep me silent and still
since they try my patience
bite my tongue, clench my fist
grit my teeth, lock my jaw
if only my eyes will not deceive me
and let them see the annoyance
in me
you bore me
you frustrate me
shut up
just shut the hell up
will you?
just for one conversation at least
© 2004, 2007 thomas bates
i want to slip into a coma
i want to leave this life
i want to escape their eyes
i want to feel this thing they call love
i want to kill the identity of "i"
shower down on me, God, Your grace
take away this constant pain inside
put the old me six feet under in the grave
my heart is racked in pain
i want to stand alone in the rain
and let the world around me fade away
and let me relax and find peace again
i can't keep up with everybody's expectations
i can't take the pressure being their superman
i want to take a permanent vacation
and leave this world behind that has me condemned
i am an outsider... a social outcast
only a few really get me and love me
but many look at me and i feel so alone and cold
God love me
be real to me
be more than a word to me
© 2004 thomas bates
when it is late and quiet
does she think of me as i of her?
hear the wind blow through the hanging metal
sitting here soaking in the atmosphere
and deep in the dark corners of your mind
a thought is still present and goes stronger by age
a thought of someone you are proud of
a thought of someone you love
to sit, laugh, and communicate with
when it is over though and late and quiet
and all there is but only you and your thoughts
well... does she think of me as i of her?
© 2001 thomas bates
oh so suddenly
lifted up and carried away on angel's wings
people come and go so fast these days
one day alive, the next day you're dead
like falling sand blending into the seas
we can be caught up and taken where our souls will be free
don't know when or where
but death comes and a bucket of fears he will bear
© 1994 thomas bates
as i walk by i can feel your shadow upon me
yet you never join me
it feels like it was by accident
the day i am graced by your prensence will be grand
to have you walk besides me step by step
breathing the same air and talking to and fro
i long for your companionship and friendship
to join my path of comfort would be refreshing
so i can share with you my joy and peace
yet it feels like it was by accident
to feel your shadow upon me
to smell your perfume
and to have it all disappear as fast as it appeared
hopefully someday you will become a reality
and not just a wishful part of my imagination
and we can walk through this life together
sharing words and glances
and the occasional smile
© 2007 thomas bates
i remember the first time
that i laid eyes on you
i thought you were so beautiful
you were talking to someone
i was walking by the door
i had to stop and stare
felt like the world stopped too
since then i have gotten to speak with you
numerable and precious times to me
your voice is so soothing, it calms me
i remember the time you were introduced to me
your face lit up with that wonderful smile you have
the smile i have seen many times and treasure
hopefully someday we can get past the formalities
for i like to get to know you and be your friend
© 2007 thomas bates
looking in the rearview mirror
ten cars back an evil pursues me
picking up speed pounding the pavement
5, 4, 3, 2... 1 it creeps up on me
fire all around consumes its hatred
the back window shatters due to the heat
the back seats burst into flames
the smoke chokes my lungs as i panic
throwing aside my door i lunge through it
my feet crash onto the pavement and my knees buckle
spinning around i look onto oncoming traffic
the evil is looming down towards me
the heat is blistering and suffocating
but i hit the ground running for life
dodging cars to my left and cars to my right
the ever increasing consuming death at my heels
an eery silence engulfs my mind
i scream to God for salvation deep down inside
the screams escape my shell and echo outside
eyes opened wide and fist clenched tight
my chest is heaving and my lungs are burning
the heat is just unbearable and intense now
and one final word and tear escapes my hell
just before the fire burns my clothes and me as well
© 2007 thomas bates
to look upon you against this sky is grace
i trace the contours of your skin and face
the sun shines on you
your eyes glisten like jewels
smiling, you turn towards me
those lips so gentle and petite
yet to kiss them would spark a fiery flare
the wind softly whispers through your hair
your beauty is haunting and eternally praised
in solem reverance, my eyes are raised
honesty, respect, and commitment i give to you
and all of my love is also given to thee too
to take your hand in mine is a treasure
to honour you with all i have is my pleasure
let us begin this long journey together
through the good and the bad forever
© 2006 thomas bates
you come to me in my weakest of hours
and share with me your darkest desires
your kiss is sweet and intoxicating
your embrace is gentle yet suffocating
the liquid of your words flow into my ears
and wash away all common sense and fear
the kiss on my neck it burns with passionate deceit
your motives you keep hidden deep and discreet
the more intense you love me
the harder is for me to leave
yet i long for freedom from your slavery
for your feelings are shallow and empty
you can't take my hurt and sadness away
you only bring more and more along the way
someday i shall be confident and strong
and then i shall break free from your bonds
and then you shall depart from me
and i will finally be set free
© 2006 thomas bates
ambient sounds softly drip into the small space
a faint light resonates
the whisper of a swirling breeze above
however thoughts go outside
to the lonely dark and vacant night
where is there love to be found?
where is there peace to be discovered?
to trade a life for a life would be grand sometimes
to leave this shell behind to release this restless energy
bellowing up from inside this host
burning deep down inside
wanting release
a longing to be somewhere familiar
surrounding ripples go out but never touch
islands are lonely and we all are stranded
to leave this island of solitude for new experiences
is too scary and painful to dwell on
yet thoughts go outside into vast emptiness
to search for a warmth of another looking beyond
seeking union to find communion and eternal bliss
© 2006 thomas bates
broken fingers and broken wrists
is all that is left of me from the kiss
to taste those lips so soft and sweet
was to welcome a poison to infest me
you whispered something into my ear
my eyes wide open, "what do you fear?"
your voice is intoxicating through time
words and thoughts pour into my head
soon i fear what words were mine
or what words by you were left behind
and this sickness now in me has spread
and i want to gain back control of my mind
it is everything in my life that i fear
and it is the fear that brought me here
i will take this antidote daily
eventually again i shall be free
© 2006 thomas bates
